The jokes thread!

Hi guys!Lets have some light time here!Just post all the funny jokes which make tickle your funny bone, here! :)

here are some from my side....

The 70-year-old man sat down in the orthopedic surgeon's office. "You know, Doc," he said, "I've made love in more exotic cars than anyone I know. Must be at least a thousand."
"And now, I suppose, you want me to treat you for the arthritis you got from scrunching up in all those uncomfortable positions," the medic said.
"Heck, no," the old fellow replied. "I want to borrow your Lamborghini!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There was a crowd of bees flying around one day. These bees were most peculiar. They were powered by gasoline, rather than the allergenic goodies that bees usually eat. As the crowd flew along, periodically a bee or two would start to sputter; it would fly down to a gas station, drink up the gas spilled in fueling a car, and then fly up and rejoin the crowd.
One bee began to sputter a little, but flew right by an open gas station. As he passed the second station, he coughing badly, but still he flew on. Finally, as he was on his last fumes, he dove down to a station and gassed up.
When he rejoined the crowd, his neighbor challenged him:
"Look, you passed right by an open station when you started to get low. You passed another station when you were perilously low. And finally, you ran out of gas just in time to glide into that last station. Are you crazy?"
He replied, "Well, it's like this. The first station was a Gulf station. I really don't like Gulf at all. The second station was a Texaco station. That's even worse. But the third station was an Esso station. Let me tell you, Esso is my brand of gasoline. You know what they say don't you? ...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "It's open!"
To which he replied, "I know - I already got that side.' :lol!:

Car Acronyms

ACURA

Always Catching Up, Rarely Ahead
Another Crummy, Useless, Rotten Automobile
Asia's Curse Upon Rural America
AUDI
Accelerates Under Demonic Influence
Always Unsafe Designs Implemented
Another Ugly Deutsche Invention

BMW

Beautiful Mechanical Wonder
Beautiful Models Wanted
Big Money Works
Bought My Wife
Bring More Women
BUICK
Big Ugly Indestructible Car Killer
Big Ugly Imitation Chrome King

CADILLAC

Company Always Denies Its Lawful Liability After Collisions
CHEVROLET
Can Hear Every Valve Rap On Long Extended Trips
Can Hear Every Valve, Rod, or Lifter Every Time
Cheap Heap Every Valve Rattles, Oil Leaks Every Time
Cheap, Hardly Efficient, Virtually Runs On Luck Every Time

DODGE

Darn Overhauls Do Get Expensive
Darn Old Dudes Going Everywhere
Dear Old Dad's Garbage Engine
Old Dads Garage Experiment
Drips Oil, Drops Grease Everywhere

FERRARI
Ferociously Elegant Racer Ravages All Roads Intuitively

FIAT
Failure In Italian Automotive Technology
Feeble Italian Attempt at Transportation
Fix it again, Tony!
Fix It All the Time
Found In A Trashcan
Futile Italian Attempt at Transportation

FORD
Faithful, Obedient, Reliable, Dependable
Fancy Oil Recycling Device
Fast On Race Day
Fast Only Rolling Downhill
Fault Of R&D
Fireball On Rear Damage
First On Race Day
First On Recall Day
First On Rust and Deterioration
Fix Or Repair Daily
For Off Road Driving
For Old Retired Drunks
Found On Road, Dead
Found On Rubbish Dump
Frequently Overhauled, Rarely Driven

GEO
Get Everything Overpriced
Got Everything Overhauled

GMC
Garage Man's Companion
Get More Cash!
Gimme My Checkbook!
God's Mechanical Curse
Got A Mechanic Coming?
Greasy Messy Contraption
Great Mountain of Crap
Greatest Mistake Created

HONDA
Had One, Never Did Again
Hang On, Not Done Accelerating
Happy Owners Never Drive Anything else
Honest, Officer, Nobody Drank Anything
Horribly Overpriced, Needing Dad's Assistance
HUMMER
Hope U Made Me Extra Reliable

HYUNDAI
Here's Y U Never Drive An Import
Hope You Understand: Nothing's Drivable And Inexpensive
Hardly Your Understanding New Dealer Allowance Incentive
Hold Your Usual Nitpicks, Designs Are Improved

Jeep
Just Empty Every Pocket
Just Expect Every Problem
Just Eats Every Penny
Junk Everyone Eventually Piles

Jaguar
Just A Guess U Are Rich

Kia
Keep Inside Asia
Keep It Away!
Kick It's Ass
Killed In Action
Killer's Imported Asset
Kiss It Away
Korea Invades America
Korean Imitation Accord
Korea's Imported Accident
LAMBORGHINI
Loser Always Maintains Big Old Rotten Gunk; Hardly Inflates Nobody's Image

LOTUS
Loads Of Trouble Usually Serious
Maserati
Must Also Suggest Extra Rope And Towing Implements

MAZDA
Most Always Zipping Dangerously Along
Must Always Zoom Down Asphalt

MERCEDES
My Expensive Race Car Emits Dense Exhaust Smoke
Most Every Red Cent Eventually Dissipates, Extinguishing Savings
Merger Engaged Reverse Chrysler Entering Decline Evident Soon
MITSUBISHI
May Involve Turbos, s*** Unless Boost Is Seriously High Inside
NISSAN
Need I Say Something About Nothing
Never In Season Simply A No-show
OLDSMOBILE
Old Ladies Driving Slowly Make Others Behind Infuriatingly Late Everyday
Overpriced, Leisurely Driven Sedan Made Of Buick`s Irregular Leftover Equipment
PONTIAC
Poor Old Ninny Thinks It's A Cadillac
Piece Of Nasty Tacky Icky Ass Crap
PORSCHE
Plenty Of Repairs Service Can't Help Everything
Proof Of Rich Spoiled Children Having Everything

SAAB
Sad Attempt At Beauty
Send Another Automobile Back
Some Ass Actually Boughtit!
Sorry Auto Assembled Backwards
Styling Absent After Buyout
Swedish Automobiles Always Breakdown

SATURN
Sorry Assed Transmission Under Repair Now
Some Argue That Ubiquitous Repairs Needed
Send Another Towtruck Ubiquitous Repairs Needed
Same American Trash Under Revised Name
SUBARU
Stupid Urbanites Bumbling Around Rural Areas

SUBARU backwards is: U R A BUS (You are a bus)

TOYOTA
Too Often Yankees Overprice This Auto
This One You Oughta Tow Away
To Operate Your Own Terrific Automobile
Tolerances Over Yielding, Often Towed Away

VOLVO
Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object

VW
Very Weird
Virtually Worthless

nice work vibhor!!!
really funny indeed :lol:

nice work vibs, very nice

Thanks :)

Great job vibhor clap and a nice thread too :)

Thanks guys! but i would love if you all also participate in this posting all jokes here!Thanks!:)

Should we post automobile related jokes or anything?

Nice jokes vibhor dear for lighter moments.

@Crazy Cat :Buddy post any veg. jokes no matter they are auto related or outside it!:)
@Anjan :Thanks buddy!:)

ok i remember this joke
it is quite old though!

there was a man riding his bicycle, but was fed up of going too slow! then he asked his friend who owns a porsche 911 if he can tie his bike behind the porsche and let the friend drive at like 60 MPH!!
BUT the man said to his friend,"if i ring ring my bell once then u can go over 60 mph but if ring twice then slow down"his friend agreed.
when they were on the highway at about 120 mph
a corvette came up beside the porsche and challenged him to a race!
the porsche agreed and they sped off!
later they crossed a cop car
and two policemen were chatting:
one,"hey did u see that porsche and corvette speeding really fast at 160 mph?"
then the second replied," yea i did see that but the more shocking part is that there is a bicycle which is ringing its bell trying to pass them!!" :D

nice one archit

Here's another one

Once santa was goin in is old fiat at 40kmph. Suddenly out of nowhere banta appeared in his Honda Civic. He overtook santa's fiat and while doing so he shouted at santa,"kabhi honda chalayi hai??"
Santa felt bad, but controlling his anger, kept driving at the same speed.
Suddenly he saw Banta again, now coming from the other side. And again while crossing Santa, Banta shouted hanging outside his window, "Kabhi Honda chalayi hai??"
Santa got really agitated, but thought it was pointless to take a u-turn and follow Banta, so he continued driving.
Once again Banta appeared in Santa's rear-view mirror, and passed his Fiat again shouting, "kabhi Honda chalayi hai??"
Santa could not control his anger anymore. He stepped on the Fiat's accelerator. Zooming through the traffic, chasing Banta's Honda Civic.
Suddenly he saw Banta fallen on the road, with blood and bruises, and his Honda Civic going straight on the road ahead.
Santa caame to a screeching stop. He went to Banta and asked him sarcastically, "Ab maza aaya?? Chala li Honda??"
To which banta replied, " Arre tab se wahi to pooch raha tha tumse, Kabhi honda chalayi?? Brake nahi mil raha tha mujhe!!"
;)

haha that is hilarious hummer!

lol!really very nice archit and hummer! :lol!:

Nice one archit. :lol!:
Can some one translate hummer's joke in English?

here it is for you CC...
in english...

Once santa was goin in is old fiat at 40kmph. Suddenly out of nowhere banta appeared in his Honda Civic. He overtook santa's fiat and while doing so he shouted at santa,"ever driven a Honda??"
Santa felt bad, but controlling his anger, kept driving at the same speed.
Suddenly he saw Banta again, now coming from the other side. And again while crossing Santa, Banta shouted hanging outside his window, "ever driven a Honda??"
Santa got really agitated, but thought it was pointless to take a u-turn and follow Banta, so he continued driving.
Once again Banta appeared in Santa's rear-view mirror, and passed his Fiat again shouting, "ever driven a Honda??"
Santa could not control his anger anymore. He stepped on the Fiat's accelerator. Zooming through the traffic, chasing Banta's Honda Civic.
Suddenly he saw Banta fallen on the road, with blood and bruises, and his Honda Civic going straight on the road ahead.
Santa caame to a screeching stop. He went to Banta and asked him sarcastically, "Are you satisfied now! Wanna drive Honda again??"
To which banta replied, " That's what i was tryin to ask you!ever driven a Honda?? Cuz i was unable to find the brake"

Thank you hummer. That's a nice joke.
Actually I mistook "ever driven a honda?" as "this is a honda" . :lol!:

archit and hummer, nice ones. :lol!:

A car speeding down the highway loses control, goes through a guard rail, rolls down a cliff, bounces off a tree, lands upside down and finally stops, wheels spinning in the air, smoke and steam pouring out from under the hood.
A passing motorist, who witnessed the entire accident, helps the miraculously unharmed driver out of the wreck. "Good Lord Mister, he gasps, are you drunk?"
"Of course!," says the man, brushing the dirt from his suit. "What the hell do you think I am? A stunt driver or something?"

haha
good joke!!

Audi: Accelerates Under Demonic Influence

BMW: Born Moderately Wealthy

Camaro: Can't America Make A Real One?

Chevrolet: Clutch Hangs, Every Valve Rattles, Oil Leaks Every Time

Dodge: Dangerous On Days Gears Engage
FIAT: Feeble Italian Attempt at Transportation

Ford: Failure Of Research & Development

Honda: Hell Of a Nice Damn Automobile

Hyundai: Hope You Understand Nothing's Driveable And Inexpensive

JEEP:Jumps Everything Ever Parked

Mercedes: Most Every Red Cent Eventually Dissipates, Extinguishing Savings

Nissan:Never In Synch Screeching Awful Noises

Oldsmobile: Overpriced, Leisurely Driven Sedan Made Of Buick's Irregular Leftover Equipment

Porsche: Proof Only Rich Suckers Can Have Everything

Toyota:Taking Our Yen Out -- Thanks All

Volvo: Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object

LOL! :lol!:Great one vijay!

he he he yeah few of them are quoted by a friend...lol...

Nice one Vijay :lol!: .

@vibhor, i couldn't understand your joke clearly :8P: , please explain.

nice one TV